Release Date: December 6, 2017
with him forever.
But to him, I’ve always been off-limits. Until the night that changed everything.
Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the secrets we shared. Maybe he finally
opened his eyes and saw me.
By the time the sun rose, I’d lost him again, my heart shattering on his
parting words: “It was a mistake.” So I ran. Ran until I was thousands of miles
away, in a country I didn’t know, surrounded by people who only made me miss
I never expected him to follow me … or to pry more secrets from my soul. In
exchange, he gave me more of his secrets too.
The more he let me into his heart, the more I loved him, but I’m afraid that
some secrets may be too big to overcome.
to throw up from the nerves.
when you’re expecting Sam to come into your room any second.
feeling was so strong. I popped a mint from my bedside table in my mouth, rolled
it around my tongue a few times, but the urge was still there.
Was this a mistake? Was inviting Sam into my room a big fat problem? I was
leaving for America tomorrow.
itinerary, neatly stacked on my chest of drawers laughed at me. What was I
going to do? I couldn’t let Sam come up here.
fisted in my hair as I berated myself for telling him to come. What was I
thinking? I wasn’t some sexual nymph, skilled in the way Sam surely was. I
wasn’t a virgin, but I hadn’t actually messed around with a bunch of guys.
know what to do.
the door, pressed my palm flat to it. I’d lock it. Then he couldn’t come in.
He’d walk away, and we’d forget this ever happened.
kissed him, my
memory taunted me. Three years later, and
you’re still wondering ‘what if.’
no reasonable escape from this situation. And, if there was, there was no
escape that would make me not obsess over the ‘what if.’
okay, I told myself. Of course it would. Sex was nothing, right?
didn’t even believe my own thoughts. My nerves battled with my own desire. I
couldn’t process a single thing.
fingers over my eyebrows or, what was left of them that wasn’t colored in, at
least. I’d pulled so many out in the days leading up to the trip, needing some
control over this impending trip.
my fingers to the sides of my face, tugging on my earlobes to ground me, and
then, in tandem, I pulled out a hair with each hand. The immediate relief was
nearly as intoxicating as the alcohol I’d consume in how it numbed my fears.
cleansing breath, looking around my room for anything potentially embarrassing.
were open, so I closed them, leaving my room in soft, muted grays aside from
the yellow lamp that lit up my dressing table.
on the back of the lamp to turn it off when my door creaked open.
in the threshold, nearly taking up the entire space.
the light off.
a few loud heartbeats before he said, “Turn it back on.”
see him, but I heard the creak on the floor by the door. “Turn it on, Lotte.”
hard, I did.
was illuminated again in soft light, casting shadows into the angles of Sam’s
face—making him look exactly as he was: dangerous.